How has your life changed since June 17th?
On the down side, if you're like me, you've probably lost a good chunk of your 401K or IRA. But, on the up side, perhaps you had a week or two off for summer vacation you spent with your family ... maybe traveled to the mountains or the beach. Certainly, you are a bit older, and perhaps a bit wiser. But it's likely that as you look back at it, probably things are pretty much the same now as they were four months ago.
Which is understandable, even though on June 17, 2008, the first same-sex marriages took place in California. Since then, according to The Sacramento Bee, an estimated 11,000 same sex couples have legally wed.
Now, you might remember, after the Supreme Court ruled in May that same-sex weddings were legal in California, opponents predictably cried fouled. They expressed concerns that churches opposed to gay marriage would lose their tax exempt status, that second and third graders would be taught that it's perfectly OK for two boys to get married, and they argued that it would erode the sanctity of traditional marriage between a man and a woman. These are pretty much the same arguments being used now in the $27-million dollar "Yes on 8" campaign, funded almost exclusively by out of state religious organizations (the Mormon Church and Knights of Columbus are the leading contributors).
The reality is, since the first "Adam & Steve" and "Sarah & Eve" said "I do," none of those threats has materialized. No church has been threatened, second and third grade boys are not being encouraged to walk hand in hand toward the alter, and no heterosexual marriage has been devalued or dissolved (at least not as a result of 11,000 same sex couples tying the knot).
Which gets us to where we are now.
I really had no intention of writing this blog until last week when I talked to someone who is extremely close to me, someone who I have known all my life, who told me he is voting "Yes" on Proposition 8. I was disappointed that someone who knows me and knows my partner, Kurt, as well as he does would want to go so far as to change the California constitution to deny equal rights to us. It is clear to me that in the eyes of this person, I am not equal. And to me that is very sad and troubling on a personal level.
Those of you who have known me (and Kurt) over the years know that we are law abiding upstanding caring people, good neighbors, close to our families, conscientious co-workers, good friends, and contributors to the community. Those who know us very well know that we share an exceptional relationship. As one of my former co-workers at News10 told me, "You guys have a better relationship than most of the married couples I know."
We also respect others including those with divergent views. As a reporter for more than 30 years, I regularly sought out those with opposing views. And I truly respect the freedoms that this great country provides its citizens in voicing those views ... as long as they don't hurt others or infringe upon the rights of others.
And when it comes down to it, that's pretty much what Proposition 8 does. It takes away the rights of a group of Americans. It legalizes discrimination in the constitution of California.
My friends, (now I sound like John McCain), I certainly respect your right to voice your opinion, to vote your conscience, not just on Proposition 8 but on all the issues facing us. But when it comes time for you to cast your vote on Proposition 8, think of Kurt & me and think of the type of people we are ... what we have meant to you over the years ... how we have contributed. And if you agree that we deserve to have the same rights that most other Americans have, I would request that you vote "No" on Proposition 8.
As always, I welcome your responses.
13 comments:
Dan, your blog made my cry. You are such a special person and one who deserves all the best in life. I don't know Kurt but if you love him he must be a wonderful human being.
I have been asking everyone I know if they support Prop 8 and so far not a single one has said yes. I hope this means the dame thing will fail.
Great to hear from you, with love, Suzanne
Bravo Dan. I'm sorry that someone else's fear, especially someone close to you, could so profoundly affect the lives of hundreds of thousands of Californians.
It is troubling for both Erica and I that the irrational fears of those who never seek to understand, who never wonder at their own biases and who refuse to confront their beliefs on a regular basis will effectively segregate a part of California.
In fact, as I watch debates online and in public, the 2 most oft cited reasons for supporting Proposition 8 are "Homosexuality is disgusting" and "Homosexuality is against God." I often wish such people would take the time to know people who are different from them, understand their world view and, more importantly, understand how their own world view affects the other person.
I fear that all too often "prejudice" is accepted as "opinion" and not challenged. If this "opinion" of gay, lesbian and bisexual people holds sway this year, it could well be decades to finally arrive at the equality that should be ours today.
Your comments could have been describing any one of hundreds of thousands of GLBT Californians. We are good people, not goof-proof, but honest, tax-paying, voting, law abiding and generous people, loving sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles. We are news reporters, doctors, bus drivers, computer engineers, college professors, secretaries and waiters, but we are not second class citizens, deserving of any form of inequality. That those who wish us ill do so in ignorance and intolerance simply demonstrates their base lack of humanity, their fundamentally flawed characters. Sorry, Dan, l places your “old friend” in that category.
I am not surprised by their internal impairments; they are but the aftermath of their forbearers who fulminated against ending slavery then denied enfranchising their fellow citizens; they attacked the Irish, the Jews, the Chinese, women, and now GLBT folks. These are deeply flawed people, who ironically and incorrectly see themselves as “chosen.” How wrong they are.
But remember, always remember: they are losing. They have no prayer in public school, no creationism in science classes, no abortion restriction, no unbreakable majority on the Supreme Court and no silenced judges! Hopefully, their latest crusade will fail just as have their other efforts to constrain democracy to their narrow, warped views, hopefully on Nov. 04, 2008.
Bravo. Beautifully articulated.
It is very sad how people can tolerate outright discrimination, especially in a state that I have always considered to be so forward thinking and accepting of different lifestyles. I personally don't see the difference between the gay marriage debate today and how interracial marriages were once outlawed. It took a U.S. Supreme court decision to rule that all bans on interracial marriage were unconstitutional, and I suspect that this will be the same for gay marriage as well. I had higher expectations of California to lead the way in this fight.
I have been in the unique position to cover much of this first hand, in fact I was at the first lesbian wedding in SF. It is really scary to hear the rationale of the anti gay marriage people at these things. I'll never understand a person who spews hate and hides behind religion as justification.
Thanks for your powerful words Dan, and sorry about your friend. At least he had the honesty to tell you how he felt and didn't tell you what you wanted to hear and talk or act differently behind your back...
I read your blog and I have to say I absolutely agree. I was raised Baptist and educated in Catholic school from 3rd grade to 12th grade. However, one of the main things I learned from my family and the church is that God loves us all.
After I graduated college I met my best friend. At the time I didn't know she was gay and she was hesitant about coming out to me in the first couple of months of our friendship. Now some 13 years I consider her my sister. She went through a lot when she came out to her family and was sort of disowned for a while. It was one of the most painful times in her life and mine because I had to watch her go through what I considered a cruel isolation. I couldn't understand how they could judge and dismiss such a wonderful person based on her sexuality.
Thankfully, she is now in a loving relationship with someone who is good for her and good to her. She is finally happy and it's very difficult for me to accept that they would be denied the right to marry if they decided that's what they wanted to do. They are no different than any other couple in love. I feel the same way about you and Kurt. While I have never met him, what you have shared about your life with him shows a true commitment and happiness that I pray will happen someday with my Mr. Right.
Thanks for sharing.
Sorry to hear about your friend's view, Dan. Maybe he/she will figure it out someday. Michael Dryden's comment said it best: those people are deeply flawed.
The rest of the world is awakening to an understanding of the complexity, variety and validity of human emotions and sexuality. That you and Kurt have love and life together is as wonderful and sacred as any other couple's. No law ought discriminate against it. No person should feel a right to decry it. It may take time, but I feel one day mankind will be past the dogma driving the ignorance and hurtful opposition.
Viva love & marriage for all! ;)
Dan, I never thought I would be writing or blogging so much about this issue to friends, family or here. Like you, I had no intention. But all the vitriol and lies and frankly hate being stirred by the yes campaign have driven me to volunteer for the No on 8 Equality for All campaign and make my first political contribution ever. We journalists are supposed to be without bias in our work, right? But how can we sit idle as “fair and balanced” journalists on this very personal issue when we are under attack as LGBT people? Remember every time we used to do a story about LGBT folks we had to run out and get a comment from Lou Sheldon or someone at the Capitol Christian Center? We don’t do that anymore and we shouldn’t have to do that when we cover stories about same-gender marriage! I hope it doesn’t take another generation for us to get to that point. I actually dislike the term same-sex because it reduces us to being defined only as sexual beings instead of human beings worthy of equal treatment under the law. What puzzles me even more, like your friend, is how some people who are voting for 8 say they have LGBT friends but it doesn’t mean they won’t stop loving them or being their friends. I've had some family tell me this. And yet, their love is a greater love and ours a lesser love. I think people who vote for 8 and have LGBT friends should deal with the beast in their bellies. This is really about homophobia. There is something in addition to a moral or biblical or religious “belief” or any number of irrational justifications. What we have is deep homophobic denial, just like so many white folks are in deep denial about racism. If you are against LGBT couples getting married then you are homophobic. Racism prevented interracial couples from marrying and homophobia is preventing LGBT couples from marrying. And yet these friends claim they are not homophobic for supporting 8, after all, you are their friend! And that’s the conflict I am also having, Dan, with some of my friends and family. They like me as a gay man, they say they love me and they’re still voting yes on 8. I’m not even involved in a relationship like yours but I feel the assault. I suppose all we can do is talk to them, treat them with kindness and respect, however emotional we may be, and urge them, like you wrote, to consider the evidence of your long-term relationship and think with their consciences instead of their bibles. Tell them that voting No on 8 is the compassionate and right thing to do. That it’s not about biblical law. It’s about equal treatment under California law.
Thank you for writing this. We are all one! Prop. 8 sends out a horrible, divisive message. As the mother of 3, that is the last thing I want my children to learn. Thanks Dan.
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My name is Jim Adams. I am Dan's brother. I am otherwise known as "old friend."
Last Saturday morning, Dan and I had a personal conversation. It included our conversation as it related to Proposition 8. HE asked ME how I was voting. Unfortunately, I was forthright and honest. I calmly explained my position. It was not dramatic or unusual. It was very brief and basic. Even though you disagree with me, it is everyone's right to continue to have their own opinion.
The conversation was NOT for public conumption, blog inclusion, and comment interpretation. It was personal. It was private. What Dan did, in my opinion, was inappropriate. I lament that I joined the conversation with Dan. I will know never to do so again.
For those of you who have labeled me ignorant, intolerant, and homophobic, I must attest that not only do you not know me, but you have no right to assert that based on the microscopic amount of imformation you received from my brother.
Mr. Parks, how do you know I am deeply flawed? You don't even know me. How homophobic was it of you to assert that based on a speck information?
Mr. Dryden, how absurd it is for you to allude that I was involved in "slavery, attacks of Irish, Jews, Chinese, women and GLBT folks." How ignorant and intolerant you look!
The only person on these "Comments" who has earned the right to express their opinion is Scott Ewing. Scott knows me. For those of you who know Scott, ask him his opinion. See if yours changes.
Just because someone does not necessarily agree with you, it does not give you the right to crucify them in the manner you have done me. It simply does not.
Dan, thanks a lot for defending me against these people. I really appreciate it. You know the truth and you remain silent when they make these claims? Shame on you after all these years.
Dan:
1. Remove me from your Blog circulation. I wish not to be included further.
2. Do not include my family or me as part of ANY of your future blogs.
3. Be advised that I will not darken the door of any of your homes in the future. I am sure you wish not that someone as heinous and villianous as me darken your door. Count me out.
To the rest of you who unfairly took me to task, shame on you. To the others, thank you for having the decency for giving me the benefit of the doubt. Believe it or not, I am a hard-working, fair man who tries to live a decent and caring life. Most of you shall never know.
Post what you may like. I will not be back.
Dan,
I read what your blog entry. The comments & what your brother said.
I don't know if it means anything to you, but here it is:
My best friend in the world is gay. My step son from my first marriage is gay. I am straight as is my 3 daughters. With my new husband we have his daughter and 18 year old son.
On my blog, I wrote about the experience we went through last weekend when confronted with Yes on 8 corners. www.randomandodd.com
My step daughter's mother, who have prided myself on being friends with read my blog and decided she needed to voice her opinion on the way I was raising my children, not only on my blog, but to me on a personal attack via messenger.
This has caused my husband and I to be at each others throats about how to 'handle' the situation. He is very NO on 8 as we all are. She is not. Her daughter lives in our home so we are, of course, BRAINWASHING her.
This is a VERY touchy subject with people, because they have made it about their beliefs and not about what it really is.
I was raised in a very racist and homophobic household all my life.
My most wonderful best friend lived with me for several years and was gay, we never told my father because of what we thought he would say.
One year, my dad and my room mate sat down and had a very long talk about politics and my room mate came across as nothing more than a very well informed man that my father respected. Every time my dad came around he found himself drawn to have conversations with my room mate because they could both speak their minds and listen with respect.
It was several years later when my dad was doing his stupid imitation of a gay man that I said, "Dad, Bryan is gay." You could actually hear his jaw hit the ground.
HOW did this happen? How did Bryan TRICK my dad into liking him and believing that he was 'normal'? He felt betrayed, but his whole misconception of a gay person didn't change the person he was.
I'm sure your brother doesn't hate you. I'm sure he has always felt somewhat betrayed and now even more.
He's of course, pardon the pun, is the one who jumped out of the closet and announced who he was. You were very much keeping the identity of that person a secret.
Your brother, of all people, should know how you feel about the freedom of speech. He should also know you have always been fair. The life you live should be an example of the person you are.
For him to ask you to remove your words, is a slap in the face...even more so than his 'yes on 8' stand...because 'freedom of speech' is something that he used when he decided to out himself on your blog and defend himself.
I say all of this, and still have chose to put my blog to password protected so I can be even MORE honest about my life.
Stay strong, Dan. Much love to you and yours!
Kristine
Dan ... you don't know me ... I've lived in Sacramento a long time and watched you on TV for many years. I was told by someone who read it that I should read your blog since it was so well written. I had been on the fense on Prop. 8. The Yes on 8 ads made me and my wife feel like we should vote yes. Recently, the no ads have made us question that. Then I read what you wrote. We will both now be voting no.
I also read the responses people wrote including the one from your brother. To me, he seems like a very angry person. You never mentioned him in your blog and I had no idea it was a family member you were talking about. It must be very difficult for you first to learn that he would vote yes on this proposition that would hurt you and your significant other, then tell you he wants to remove you from his life. Maybe he'll come around.
For us, I want to say thanks for making our choice clearer.
PS: we miss watching you on Channel 10.
Don and Sharon M., Sacramento
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